Movie Review: Halloween (2007)
Before I begin this review I feel that I should admit to something. As a general rule, I don’t like splatter films. It’s not that I’m squeamish, or get faint at the sight of blood, or am in any way opposed to watching violence on the screen, I just find them boring. Yes, boring. Bad guy, bang bang, stab stab, run, scream, trip, cry, scream some more, boobies, stab again, blood spurt, bad guy is dead, we’re safe, HE’S ALIVE, kill again, role credits.
Yawn.
There are a few notable exceptions to this rule-the original Friday the 13th, the first Nightmare on Elm Street (who wouldn’t want to watch a cute Johnny Depp get turned into goo?), Hellraiser, the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and, of course, John Carpenter’s Halloween. See? I’m not a prude, I just don’t like banality. So, over a decade ago, Rob Zombie got the okay to remake the gold standard of modern day slasher movies, the aforementioned Halloween. Why? Why did anyone decide this would be a good idea? What did they think needed changed or updated about the original? I dunno…and after watching the remake, I’m surprised John Carpenter hasn’t sued. I think he has a case.
Rob Zombie’s Halloween is simply an all around bad film. A vacuous attempt to get a director with limited ability some street cred. I’ll start with what’s good about the film-this won’t take long. They use John Carpenter’s original score (still one of the best ever written), and the title is cool. Okay, that’s it, I’m done with the good.
Mr. Zombie (really?) decided to spend more time telling Mikey Myers story when he was just a lil’ sociopath. I need to point out that the version of the film that I watched was the director’s cut, which runs just over two hours, which is a perfect amount of time for a nap. The original film clocks in at a brisk 92 minutes-thank you, Mr. Carpenter (hmmm, sounds a lot better than Mr. Zombie, doesn’t it?). So all that extra time we get to see what made lil’ Mikey a crazed killer. His mom is a stripper, he has an older sister who is a bit of a whore, a younger sister who is just a little tot, and a (I think) step-father who is just an asshole. He gets picked on at school, wears his greasy hair really long, like, down to his chin (more on that later), and loves to wear a plastic halloween clown mask (more on the masks later, too!). I think Rob’s idea was to tell an origin, but he doesn’t. Mikey is already nuts when we meet him. I’m going to give away spoilers to the film here, don’t be angry, I’m saving you two hours of your life. He viciously attacks one of the bullies in the school. Then he goes home and kills asshole step-dad, his sister (the slutty one), and his sister’s boyfriend/fuck buddy. During the film, whenever we have a scene of a girl and a guy getting it on, the woman is always undressed and the man is always fully dressed. I thought this was odd, until I watched the credits as saw Harvey Weinstein was a producer. Now I understand.
We never find out what really caused Mikey to flip out-he doesn’t yell, or rant, just calmly kills most of his family (it wasn’t clear if the bully he savagely beat with a log died, but then it doesn’t matter). When Stripper Mom comes home, she finds Mikey calmly sitting on the front porch, gently holding his cooing baby sister. Then we hear police sirens in the distance. Then we hear mommy crying and screaming. I have no idea who called the police, but this film is riddled with unexplainable crap.
We then cut to a maximum security mental asylum where lil’ Mikey is now living, and things get really stupid here. He still likes to wear masks, he even makes his own now! Stripper Mom comes to visit, concerned and caring, and he has a REALLY attentive psychologist who tries to help him (Malcolm McDowell, over acting while wearing a similar chin length greasy wig). Mikey seems to not remember anything about the night he killed most of his family. The psychologist, Dr. Samuel Loomis, is concerned, but not enough to get a decent, professional hair cut. At one point, the three of them are sitting alone in what appears to be an empty cafeteria. Loomis wants to speak to Mommy in private, so they ask a nurse to sit with lil’ Mikey. She does, and turns away from him while reading a newspaper. We all know what’s going to happen-especially since Mikey was given metal cutlery to eat his food with. Metal forks and knives are ALWAYS given to mentally unstable, murder prone children in insane asylums across the country. Stab stab stab, scream scream scream, spurt spurt spurt. Alarms go off, and Loomis and Mommy rush back to the, apparently, unlocked cafeteria. Poor dead nursie…should’ve picked a better film.
At this point, Stripper Mom is devastated. We next see her watching eight millimeter films of her kids. She is sobbing hysterically, and so is her infant child somewhere else in the house. It’s never really clear what decade this film is set in. I’m not sure if he meant it to be the seventies, but it looked more like the eighties at this point, which means she should have been watching video tapes, but they looked like film…at least I think. Maybe she was an aspiring film maker, hoping to grow up to be the next great porn star. It doesn’t matter, what does matter is that a moment later we see a gun, she puts it in her mouth, and bang. Dead Mommy. I have a real problem with this scene, from a simple character stand point. This woman is a stripper, who works her (literal) ass off for whatever money she can get. The deadbeat husband was obviously not working, and she managed to raise a family in a cute little house in a nice neighborhood. That’s not easy to do on a stripper salary. Most people working in some form of the sex industry find a way to sort of “go to a happy place” deep in their mind while working, a way to detach from what they are doing to avoid bad feelings. I don’t believe this woman would have shot herself, especially with her infant crying behind her. It was an easy way out for the filmmaker, and he shouldn’t have done it. A better story would have been her taking her infant, maybe a bag of clothes or two, and just leaving. Going to a new town, far way, and changing their names to forge a new life and try to forget the horrors of her past. There are certain jobs, bartending, waiting tables, styling hair, and stripping that are pretty easy to find in a new city. Some skills cross state lines very easily.
A title card comes up…it’s now 15 years later. At least I think it is, in a short while the sheriff will quite obviously state that it’s been 17 years since the murder…so I guess we’ll just average it out at 16, but it really doesn’t matter. Michael is full grown now, standing about 12 feet tall and looking like a wall. Seriously, he’s huge, must be doing some kind of cross fit, I dunno. His hair is the exact same length, too. I know this is quibbling, but we know he hasn’t spoken a word in 15 (or 16, or 17) years, so hasn’t he gotten a hair cut at some point? I know it “looks cool” to see him staring beneath greasy, stringy hair, but I’m pretty sure he would have gotten a shorter cut by now…and probably a shower. He’s still in his asylum cell, and he’s still making masks. Tons of them. They cover an entire wall in his cell. I’m still trying to figure out how he gets all his supplies. Does he give a list to one of the guards who then high tails it down to the local Pat Catan’s craft shop to pick up what he needs?
“Okay Michael, I’ve got your craft paint in assorted colors, some newspapers to tear up, glue, some glitter, tape, wire, string, a machete, a few…wait a minute…nice try, Michael, nice try!”
(A faint smile appears on Michael’s face, beneath swinging, greasy clumps of hair)
At this point, Zombie (?) could have gone in a completely different direction. I think he should have had Michael open a shop on Etsy and sell his “Myers Masks”, only to gain fame and fortune as an artist.
Role credits…you’re welcome!
Nope, Zombie (again, really?) just follows common slasher tropes. One of the custodians tries to be nice to Michael. I’m not sure why. I think Zombie (sigh) wanted us to see how depraved his killer really was when he kills the nice custodian by dropping a tv on his head later on. Oh, that’s a fun scene. Every asylum has to hire an orderly who is just an asshole. There is always one. I think I’ve seen the job postings on monster.com:
Wanted: Orderly for insane asylum. Must have no previous experience with people other than taunting and humiliating patients for fun. Heavy drinkers preferred. Rape experience a plus. This is a regular position, but it will become temporary. Next of kin required.
…Sigh…
So, of course, the new worker taunts Michael relentlessly. Then, on his day off, he gets drunk and goes back to the asylum where he and his asshole friend take a new patient, a pretty, troubled girl, out of her cell. They go down to Michael’s cell, where they go in and rape her in front of him, because, why not. It’s Saturday night, right? Let’s all have a good time down at the asylum. The asylum with only three employees and no cameras or surveillance equipment. The asylum where the workers just go into the cells of the criminally insane like Girl Scouts selling cookies. THIS DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE! Punch punch punch, stab stab stab, squirt squirt squirt, they all fall down. In runs the nice custodian. Punch punch punch, beat beat beat, here comes the tv to the head. Then Michael escapes, because there are no other workers in this giant place, and apparently all of the doors are unlocked.
Did I mention it was Halloween? How convenient.
Dr. Loomis is called back on the case. He’s much older now, with shiny white hair, cut short and nice, and a pretty, perfectly trimmed white beard. Finally, he’s a professional, although he looks at least 35 years older then he did when we first saw him, but then everyone in this movie appears to exist simultaneously in the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s, and 2000’s. Zombie (shoot me) clearly has no idea when this movie is set. Loomis knows where Michael is going. You see, after stripper mom killed herself, the local sheriff found the baby and didn’t want the child to grow up with the stigma of what happened to her family, so he kidnaps her (never mentioning her in his official report) and just drops her off at a hospital, where she eventually gets adopted. Somehow, Michael, locked in his cell, never speaking, just quietly planning his Etsy shop, somehow knows who she is and where she is, and goes to get her.
But first, a change of clothes! Michael stops off at a truck stop, follows a trucker into the bathroom, waits until he is sitting on the toilet (he had some bad food and it REALLY wanted to come out), and then breaks down the door and kills him. We never see any poop. Michael then steals his green jumpsuit. Seriously. He killed the man for his jumpsuit. I guess if you’re gonna go on a killing spree, you want to be comfortable AND fashionable. He then goes to his old stabbing grounds to look for Laurie Strode, because he magically knows who she is, what her new name is, and where she lives. I assume he Googled her after Etsy. Moments later, he’s there. This is an amazing ability because it takes Dr. Loomis HOURS to get there BY CAR, Michael is walking, or shambling, or however the hell crazy killers move and he’s there instantly. Maybe this is a Bewitched crossover and we just didn’t know it-Tinkle-Tinkle-Tink!
Another annoying slasher movie cliche is having the heroine (gotta have boobs to live!) see the killer earlier in the film. He’s always far away, starring at her. She’ll notice him, kinda wonder about him for a moment, get distracted by a friend/teacher/waitress, then look back and he’ll be gone, like he never was. It happened in the original Halloween-Jamie Lee Curtis is in class, bored, she looks at the second story window, and there is Michael starring at her. Then her teacher calls on her with a question, which she answers, then looks back and is gone. She shrugs it off. This works because she’s in class and being actively engaged by other people. In the remake, the character Laurie Strode (it doesn’t matter who the actress is, she’s awful) is sitting next to a second story window with her friends. She sees Michael, a friend speaks to her, she looks away, and when she looks back, he’s still there. This giant man in a green jumpsuit with a rubber mask on is standing outside, full daylight, and no one notices him. And Laurie, who is apparently a few apples short of a pie, DOESN’T POINT HIM OUT TO ANY OF HER FRIENDS!!! A simple, “Hey, who is that guy? Wait, he’s gone. He looked weird, we should be careful tonight! What did he look like? Well, he was huge, in a green jumpsuit with a creepy rubber mask on” would have been nice. Of course her friends are killed later on, but don’t worry, we get to see their boobs-thanks Harvey!
How did he get the mask? He went back to his old house, pulled up some floor boards and, voila, his rubber mask and big knife. Apparently, after young Mikey killed most of his family, he took the time to pull up the floor, hide his mask and knife, and then COMPLETELY REPLACE THE FLOOR. This kids got some made skills: Killing, carpentry, and crafts! That’s his tag line for his Etsy shop!
I feel like I’m writing a Master’s Thesis on “How Not to Make a Film”. When the killing starts, which you know it will, it gets even worse. Laurie discovers her friends bodies, the boy (fully dressed) is dead and strung up, the girl (shirt off, boobs out) is struggling to breathe. She calls the police (it never occurs to her that the killer might still be in the house) and gives them her friends address. Heeeeere’s Mikey! They tussle, eventually Laurie manages to escape the house, and run back to her home, with Michael shambling behind. She gets inside and locks the door. At this point, I need to mention that every house, structure, wall, or door in this neighborhood is made out of balsa wood. I think the company that built the neighborhood was “The 3 Little Pigs Construction”. I’ve seen more realistic breakaway sets in a Three Stooges short. Michael, literally, just walks through them. Oh no, Laurie and the two kids she’s babysitting are gonna die…no, let’s run upstairs and lock ourselves in a bathroom with a GLASS DOOR. For some reason, in all horror/action/thriller movies, people always strive to escape by going up. A higher floor, the roof of a building, the attic, scaffolding, the Eiffel Tower, whatever. They always go up. Do you know what happens when you get to the top of whatever structure you’re climbing? You’re done. You can’t go anywhere else. In order to get away, you have to go down. Stop this. Find a car and drive off. Laurie doesn’t find a car. She just goes higher. She has even fewer apples than I thought.
Thankfully, the cops show up, which is amazing because the address she gave them was her friends house, where the topless girl is still dying. But they show up at Laurie’s house just in time. They knock on the bathroom door, and Laurie tries to convince them that the killer is still out there (Hey! She just added an apple!). Of course he is. And he kills the cops, but not before getting shot. Once. Yes. Just once. Michael and the idiot cop are on opposite sides of the hallway. He shoots him in the shoulder, and Michael comes after him. It took me a little while to figure out why the cop didn’t fire more than once when he clearly had plenty of time for a head shot. But then I remembered that Michael was white…had he been black, he would have been riddled with about 20 bullets and 16 tasers. Three cheers for white privilege.
Sooooo….getting bored yet? I was. Michael then grabs Laurie, who is screaming her head off, kicking and punching him. He takes her out of the house, and the second they cross through the door, Laurie is unconscious and limp because….I have no idea. Maybe earlier she took an Ambien. Michael takes her to their old house (Laurie still doesn’t know this is her brother, Michael does because, you know, Google), which he magically (tinkle tinkle tink) has remodeled into some gothic horror house, with spider webs, plenty of metal gates, chains, weird crawl spaces and, of course, balsa wood walls and doors (call Three Little Pigs today!). I forgot to mention, mostly because I lost interest, that Dr. Loomis, after hours of driving, finally showed up. He helped Laurie escape at one point, shooting Michael twice…yeah, he’s dead! Of course he isn’t. After the big final fight at the house, which has Laurie climbing up into some weird attic crawlspace (it’s a rule!) and Michael smashing the balsa wood ceiling to bits trying to find her, and Laurie finally falling through the balsa wood ceiling, where she grabs Loomis’ gun. But does she shoot? Nope, remember, Michael is white, so he runs across the room and tackles her…and they crash through the wall, onto a balcony, which also disintegrates, and crash on the lawn below. Laurie wakes up first, climbs on top of Michael, straddling him (hey again, Harvey), and points the gun at his face. She pulls the trigger…*click*…she pulls it again…*click*…and again…*click*…she is crying…then he grabs her arm! BANG! Right in the head. Whew, who would’ve guessed that. Now, I’m not a gun person, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how you load one. Let’s see, I’ll just put a bullet in that chamber, then one in the next, now I’m gonna skip the next three because…ummm…because…ummm….I think I’m gonna wanna create some dramatic tension…THEN another bullet. Whew.
Any gun people out there? Am I wrong? I don’t think I’m wrong, but let me know.
Good news? The movie is over. Zombie (please, please God, stop this) made a sequel. I don’t care. It’s a horrible film that commits the worst sin imaginable…it’s boring. Boring boring boring. Bad acting, bad dialog, bad pacing, illogical sequences…even the boobs weren’t that great. Hey, Hollywood, how about a little man candy next time, most guys I know take their clothes off to have sex, too. The effects were awful-seconds after a person is stabbed the blood is already dry. My partner is a beautician and wants to know what brand they use that dries so quickly, it would be great for manicures. Skip this film…do not see it…it is an insult to the original. Watch that one again, and then again next year. The new Halloween with Jamie Lee Curtis reprising her role as Laurie Strode just came out. It’s a direct sequel to the original John Carpenter’s Halloween, wisely ignoring the other sequels. I’ll go see that, right after I rewatch the original…and seek psychiatric help for having to endure Rob Zombie’s mess. Shame on you, Rob.
P.S. A funny note….after watching this horrible film I posted a “poll” on Facebook…who has the biggest penis, Michael Myers, Jason, Or Freddie Krueger…the winner? Jamie Lee Curtis!