November 5, 2018November 5, 2018 admin

The Freedom Party

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Just a few days from now we’ll be casting our ballots for the mid-term elections.  I, for one, cannot WAIT for Tuesday to show up.  Oh, not just because voting day is an important, patriotic event, or because my partner, Tommy, and I LOVE to watch the returns coming in (while drinking copious amounts of alcohol), no, no no…It’s because the nausea inducing, panic strewing, hate mongering political ads will finally be OVER!!!  At last, we can watch TV in peace again, no longer having to run screaming out of our houses, hands flailing violently above our heads after being warned that “if you don’t vote for us, you will die a horrible, burning, agonizing DEATH!”…”Look out!  The bad guys are at your door!  Vote for us and we’ll save you!”

I seriously can’t take it anymore.

So, I’ve decided to make a few changes to how we handle elections, voting, donations, and campaigning.  The changes are drastic, but then I’m sure all would agree that things have to change.  I’m bringing about some new laws, restrictions, and even a new political party!  After all, why not?  What’s the worst that can happen?  Oh…the worst already has…well, let’s see if we can actually change things.

Okay, first new rule:  Televised campaign ads are outlawed.

That feels good.  REALLY good.  No more “He said, she sucks” crap blaring out of our flatscreens anymore.  The most a candidate, or a party, or a PAC, or any group with political opinions can do is show a picture of their candidate, and a website address.  Yep.  Going forward, we have to actually do a little research on our candidates.   They won’t even be allowed to mention if they are a Democrat or a Republican in the ad, we won’t find out until we google ‘em.  This new rule will also apply towards any issues we have to decide on-just a website explaining what the issue is. This new rule will bring about several positive changes.  To begin with, no more negative energy emanating from our televisions.  Feels better already.  Secondly, instead of just finding out why we shouldn’t vote for the other guy, we have to find out why we should vote for the candidate.  We’ll have to find out their political ideals, view points, agendas, and plans for the country’s future, you know, what they are actually going to do if elected!  I just watched an ad that bluntly stated that we will be in danger of actual physical harm if we vote for the opposition party.  Get that shit off the airwaves.  TV is free again!

Second new rule:  If you are of voting age and are legally allowed to vote, you are legally REQUIRED to vote.  Failure to do so will result in a fine of not less than $1,000.  Repeatedly failing to show up to cast your ballot can lead to jail time.

This would be an actual law.  A federal law.  Anyone who is even a little politically minded or motivated has had a conversation with someone who is complaining about the current mayor/governor/representative/president, then asked them if they voted in the last election, with the all too familiar response:

“Oh, no, I’m not registered.  I don’t want to do jury duty.”

Lock ‘em up.  Sorry, jackasses, no voting, no whining.  It seems a large portion of our country has forgotten that we govern by a majority rule.  Whoever gets the most votes (except, of course, for the most powerful position in the world-the U.S. President) wins.   Simple…and yet, there are people who still believe that one vote doesn’t count.  It does to me.  You do not want to get into a discussion about politics if you have not exercised your right to vote.  I will put my hand in your face and tell you to shut the hell up.  The time to voice your opinion in a way that matters is the first Tuesday in November.  About 100 million people didn’t vote in the 2016 election…that would equal one BILLION dollars in revenue for our country.  So, you don’t vote, you pay.  Got it?  Good.

Rule number three:  The electoral college goes bye bye.

I think this is a no brainer, presidents should be chosen by MAJORITY RULE, but there are still a number of people who think the electoral college is a good thing.  For those of you that don’t know,  this is why the electoral college was started, according to the National Archive and Records Administration:

“The founding fathers established it in the Constitution as a compromise between election of the President by a vote in Congress and election of the President by a popular vote of qualified citizens.”

Our beloved founding fathers didn’t think the common, average citizen had the brains to properly elect a president.  They were simply “unqualified”.  Well, thank God for the internet, ‘cuz now we’re ALL qualified.  We no longer have a need for the electoral college, so we’re gonna retire it, put it out to pasture, have it go the way of the dodo.  Now your vote REALLY does mean something.

Rule number four:  Half of all money raised for election/re-election bids by any candidate running for any kind of office has to be donated to a charitable cause.

About six and a half billion dollars was raised for the various presidential/house/senate races in 2016.  3.25 billion given to charity, any charity chosen by the candidate, would have been amazing and helpful, and would have brought about a positive tone to the elections…and since TV ads are now outlawed, this should help save some money!

And, lastly, I would like to introduce a Brand New Political Party!  Let’s face it, the 5 current parties suck-the Republicans are the bullies, the Democrats are the pussies, the Libertarians are, well, you remember Gary Johnson, right?  Mr. “What’s Aleppo?”…yeah, ‘nuff said about that one.  Let’s not forget the Green Party…on second thought, let’s just go ahead and forget the green party.  Oh, yes, I did say “5 current parties”…what’s that?  You’ve never heard of the Constitution Party?  Don’t worry, nobody has, but if you wouldn’t mind checking out their website, they could use the traffic…it’ll make them feel better about themselves.  Hmmmm….maybe you shouldn’t, I’m not sure how secure their server is and I wouldn’t want anyone to get a virus.

But here it is…The Freedom Party!  Let me tell you how it got started.  Years ago, when Barack Obama was running for his first term as president, I read a poll of LGBTQ voters which stated that the number one issue on their minds was gay marriage.  Tommy and I both agreed that the real number one issue of the time was the economy, which got us into some arguments with our friends.  After all, if you can’t afford to pay for the wedding, what difference does it make if you can or can’t get married?  This was when it was made clear that I am not a Democrat or a Republican, even though being gay usually tosses you into the Democrat barrel.  Oh, I agree with some Democrat ideals, but I also believe in some Republican ideals.  Also a few Libertarian views, and I support protecting the environment AND the constitution.  So where did that put me?  No matter who I voted for, something about them would disappoint me.  If I voted for a Republican, my Democrat friends would be upset with me…vote for a Democrat?  My family thinks I’m foolish.  Vote Libertarian or Green?  Well, I wouldn’t call it a wasted vote, all votes count, but I’m still waiting to see one of their candidates NOT make a fool of themselves on television.   Also, as a side note to the Green party, it’s time to change your name, your branding is awful…anytime anyone thinks of you, they conjure either Kermit the Frog to mind, or St. Patrick’s Day, or tree huggers chaining themselves to a mighty oak…that’s gotta stop.

So I created my own political party…The Freedom Party!  Put your checkbooks and wallets away, we do NOT accept donations of any kind, your check will be returned to sender.  Thanks for the thought, though.  We don’t have a website, we don’t need one.  It goes against the bylaws to instruct anyone on who to vote for, or which way to vote an any issue, at any time.  As a member, you’ll have to make up your mind yourself.  Members of the party are required to research all of the candidates-their past voting records, employment history, shenanigans-everything.  All claims made about themselves or others need to be validated as true or false by a careful examination of said candidates history.  Yes, it’s more work than a traditional “D” or “R” party member, where you don’t even have to read the names, just the letter after the dash to mark your ballot, but it’s worth it.  You have the freedom to choose ANY candidate in ANY race for ANY political office.  Want to vote half Republican and half Democrat?  You are free to do so.  Last election you voted all Republican and now you want to switch?  You are free to do so.  Is your family pressuring you to vote in a way you are not comfortable with?  You are free to cast your ballot according to your values, and then you are free to blatantly lie to your siblings to get them to shut up.  

Freedom is what this country was founded on and is what this country should be perpetuating.  Take a deep breath.  Hold it.  Now exhale.  Vote your enlightened, knowledgeable heart any way you choose.  Vote vote vote.  I can’t say it enough.  Vote vote vote…see…I can’t stop…vote vote vote. 

Welcome to the party.